ok. here's what's going on. i still love Ben, but i am yet again starting to lose hope. i have a friend that i have been hanging out with quite a lot and have slept over his house twice to watch movies and just hang out with friends. he lives with another one of my friends who dated him, but from what i have been told, she has no intention of getting back together with him ever. but i think he still loves her. but i also think he might have a crush on me and i kinda have one on him. i also don't think i am even close to being ready to date again. and with ben, he did say it was a possibility that we could be together again and said that we could see where we are at the end of the summer, but i have a feeling he will tell me that we won't ever work. and then again, i also like this friend, but i don't know if he fells the same. i also don't know what to do because i don't know if i could trust my feelings, my love, and my heart to anyone ever again because of how many times i have been hurt in my life, especially by Jon and Ben... (mainly Jon... fucking asshole.) anyway, if anyone could give me some advice, that's be awesome. oh, and as far as not knowing if my friend likes me, these are some of the things he has been doing, but not sure if that's just how he is, or if it might be flirting... ok. he pokes me a lot, we went to see the movie public enemies and he sat next to me and a couple times during the duration of the movie, he would randomly get my attention my poking me just to wave at me and say hi, (seriously, what's with the poking?) and when we got home (his roommate didn't come home apparently) we went to his room to listen to music on my ipod and he told me that i could sit on his bed. (i accidentally forgot my ipod there too. ) so i did while reading Calvin and Hobbs comics. he fell asleep, but he was leaned right up against me and stuff... also, the next morning, basically the same thing happened. i went in to play zelda and he told me to sit on his bed and he was leaning up against me. (i was sitting on his bed, he was lying down... still in bed. then later, we were watching another movie and what did he start to do> HE STARTED POKING ME AGAIN!!!! WHY?????!!!!!!! if anyone can explain his behavior and stuff, that'd be awesome too in addition to giving me advice as to what o should do. oh, i think it should be noted that he was also high basically the whole time, so i don't know if that had an impact on his behavior or not... in a way, (i've seen him when he's sober too) i don't think it really did. sorry for the long journal, but this is important for me to find out answers to. thank you all for your patience.

love you all!
Elise

clubs i am in!